Feeling out of control?

This week marked the one year point for me being home due to the pandemic.

On March 11th 2020, the WHO declared it a pandemic. March 12th was when I learned that my job was laying us off indefinitely. March 13th, our president declared a national emergency and the travel ban for non-U.S. citizens went into effect.

It was those first few days when everything became real. I barely got my drivers license (and didn’t get my tabs) before the DMV shut down. I stocked up on groceries, just in case.

My grocery trip came before many others started really stocking up, and a week later when I went back for a few more things, the aisles were empty. The produce section bare. The pasta aisle cleaned out except for a few boxes of gluten free Orechiette. 

I considered what I would do if we really did have to stay inside and not go out for months. What would I do if we ran out of toilet paper? (Answer: Cut up t-shirts and make my own reusable butt-wiping cloths—luckily, it never came to that)

At the time, the world felt completely out of control. None of us really knew what we were facing and how thoroughly it might affect our lives. (Kinda like Y2K, except it actually did affect our lives)

Your control is ALWAYS limited, but you have control over more than you think

I’m listening to a great audiobook right now called The Happiness Advantage, and author Shawn Achor talks about how we react when things feel out of control.

There’s this thing called a “locus of control.” People with an external locus of control have a tendency to believe that they are at the mercy of fate and feel helpless to control what happens to them, whereas people with an internal locus of control believe that outcomes are within their control, and are based on their own decisions, actions, or hard work.

(As with many things, it’s on a spectrum, so this is not all or nothing, and could even change depending on the situation—click here to learn more about locus of control)

The most successful people, in work and in life, are those who have what psychologists call an ‘internal locus of control,’ the belief that their actions have a direct effect on their outcomes.

-Shawn Achor, “The Happiness Advantage”

Note the word “temporarily”

In a huge global event like this, it’s easy to feel that fate has dealt us a HUGE blow. Whatever plans we had last year most likely got put on hold. If we were lucky, that’s the worst that happened.

Those with an internal locus of control will fare better in events like this, because they believe they have the power to create positive outcomes despite obstacles.

But even those with a tendency to see the world the other way can learn to take control of their lives and overcome negative circumstances.

Here’s how:

1. Start by acknowledging what you can’t control —”I can’t control that there’s a global pandemic, and I’ve lost my job, and now my mom can’t come to visit, and all of my future plans are on hold while everyone figures out what’s going on.”

2. Acknowledge your feelings about the situation —”I am sad and disappointed, and a bit scared.” Your feelings are valid, but they’ll also pass.

3. If you are catastrophizing, ask yourself if what you are saying is really true —”I’m never going to get an agent and get cast in a feature film! This is AWFUL!” Is that true? Probably not. Things might just take longer than you’d hoped. “I’m never going to see my family and friends again!” Also probably not true.

4. Figure out what you can control, and take one small action to fix that thing. And then take another. One step at a time. “I can’t control what others do, or the course that this pandemic will take, but I can control keeping myself and my household as safe as possible by wearing a mask, washing my hands, and staying home as much as possible.” That’s where you start. With the smallest circle you can manage.

By tackling one small challenge at a time—a narrow circle that slowly expands outward—we can relearn that our actions do have a direct effect on our outcomes, that we are largely the masters of our own fates.
-Shawn Achor, “The Happiness Advantage”

So, going back to the beginning of the pandemic—

I couldn’t control the fact that we were going into lockdown, but I COULD make sure I was prepared with all the necessities.

I purchased plenty of food and toilet paper and water. I made mental calculations as to what might be important (lemon juice and canned tomatoes to ward off scurvy—check! Giant bag of rice and tons of dried beans—check!) and made sure to have enough of the really important stuff to last at least two months. 

I couldn’t control the fact that I was unemployed, but I COULD manage my finances.

I was extremely diligent about trying to get qualified for unemployment. I applied for jobs. I got on the phone with all of the companies I regularly pay and discussed what help or deferments I might qualify for. 

I couldn’t control the fact that we had to stay isolated, but I COULD mitigate my loneliness and disorientation.

I made extra efforts to stay in touch with friends and family. I hosted Cards Against Humanity on Zoom, watched movies with friends over Netflix Watch Party, and started two accountability coaching groups to help other artists keep a sense of meaning and purpose during lockdown.  

I couldn’t control the fact that the gym was closed and I was no longer walking six to eight hours a day at work, but I COULD keep moving.

I did yoga, had dance parties with my roommates, and jumped on the mini-trampoline in our apartment. 

I couldn’t control the fact that production had stopped and agents were no longer taking on new talent for on-camera work, but I COULD keep working artistically.

I wrote song parodies. I directed little videos. I helped my roommate make a short film. I took a class on screenwriting. I started writing my blog every week. 

Life will never stop throwing us obstacles. To expect that is delusional. 

The question is: Will you allow these events to stop you in your tracks? Or will you keep moving forward by doing what is in your power to control?

I highly recommend this book. If you want a good, inspirational read to get you moving, Achor’s book has a bunch of great actionable advice that is based in real science, not just self-help woo woo-ery. 

Click here to buy the book or audiobook, or borrow it from your library on the Libby app! 

*I may get commissions for purchases made through links in this post, but I will only ever share products that I absolutely believe in.