Don't Trust the Funhouse Mirror

When I was in sixth grade (oh, most dreaded of middle youth years!), a mean girl in my class told everyone that I thought I was a princess, and taunted me publicly.

First off, I would NEVER claim to be a princess. A mermaid, maybe, or a witch…but a princess? NAHHH….

I still remember the feeling of the skin on my face spontaneously bursting into flames. I remember the clenching in my gut. I remember feeling entirely alone.

“Flames, on the sides of my face…”

When these things used to happen (and they happened fairly often throughout junior high and high school), my mom would take me into the bathroom, make me look at my slobbery, snotty, sobbing self, and repeat after her:

“I am smart. I am kind. I am funny. I am beautiful. And if they can’t see these things, it’s their loss.”

This past week, I really could have used that.

I know people aren’t always going to agree with me, or like what I have to say. I can handle that.

But for two days, it felt like people who didn’t know me at all were holding up a funhouse mirror that distorted everything I was trying to say, warped my intentions, and twisted the image I hold of myself as a person who is out there trying to help others.

When all of this went down, I re-read everything. I questioned my ideas, and my actions. I spent a few days crying. Working through the feelings of being misunderstood and humiliated. Examining the experience to see what I could/should have done differently.

As someone who has had my own feelings hurt, and would never intentionally step on anyone else’s toes, I appreciate having the opportunity to address those situations directly and apologize.

But that requires direct communication, and message boards…are not very forgiving.

That funhouse mirror…made me look like a monster.

After trying in vain to recognize myself in the reflection I was being shown, I went to my friends and family, and asked them to hold up a truer mirror, to remind me who I really am.

They reminded me that:

• I am passionate about helping people so they don’t have to struggle with the same things I did

• I am brave for sharing my thoughts and ideas openly with the world

• I am kind

• I inspire others

• I encourage others

But that doesn’t mean they ONLY show me the good stuff.

Trust me, these people have known me long enough, they KNOW my flaws, and they will tell me to my face when I’m being unreasonable. (My mom especially!)

They also reminded me that: 

• I often need to listen better

• I cannot change people’s opinions or beliefs through force

• It’s even more important to make sure someone feels heard even if (and ESPECIALLY IF) I disagree with them

So, for anyone out there who didn’t feel heard or acknowledged, I’m sorry. Trust me, I heard you, even if I did not communicate it well. I truly hope there are no hard feelings.

All my love and gratitude to the friends and family who lent me their support this week. It was greatly appreciated. Thank you for being my mirror!

Are you chasing the wrong goal?

Years of running weekly accountability groups have taught me many things. 

One of them is that a lot of people THINK they want something. They think they want to get an agent, or think they want to go to grad school, or they think they want to be a voice actor. 

Oftentimes, they only see these goals through the benefits they’ve brought others. 

• An agent means audition opportunities. 

• Grad school means a degree which means greater work opportunities and connections. 

• Being a voice actor means making a lot of money working from home in your pajamas. 

Most of the time, they’re not seeing the full picture. 

Don’t base your decisions on an incomplete picture

Having an agent means: 

• Knowing your type (Young mom, hipster, grandma, blue collar, upscale, etc)

• Making yourself as marketable as possible (meaning you can’t just dye your hair green on a whim)

• Investing in the right tools—headshots, demo reels, etc. so that your agent can market you (No whining about having to spend money on new headshots because you decided you felt like getting a pixie cut)

• Communicating well with others so that you remind them you exist without being needy

• Still working all of the time to be competitive (taking classes), book your own work, and show your agents that you are proactive

• Doing work you may not want to do…this ain’t the thea-tuh! You’re here to bring your amazing skills to even the most silly of commercial scripts or inane of TV shows

• Being a professional even in the face of work that you feel is beneath you. Have you seen the supercut of Bryan Cranston’s decades of commercials? The man didn’t start with Breaking Bad…

Going to grad school means: 

• Knowing WHY you are going to grad school (is it for the connections? for the degree? do you want to teach? increase your skills?)

• Potentially moving across the country

• Spending a LOT of money

• Giving up 2-4 years of your life (or more if you’re getting a PhD)

Being a voice actor means: 

• Spending a lot of time learning the craft (it’s NOT just talking, no matter what those internet ads say).

• Investing a lot of money on equipment and coaching (don’t quit your day job…you’re going to need it for a while).

• Learning to run your own business and do the uncomfortable work of marketing yourself.

• Motivating yourself to keep going when you haven’t booked anything in a long time 

• Being a self-starter…when you don’t have a boss, it’s your responsibility to make yourself do the grunt work that leads to the fun voice work

• Doing the NOT FUN voice work. Personally, I think it’s all pretty fun, but some people only want to do animation, or video games, or high-paid commercials, when there is a great need for people who can inject life into explainer videos, corporate training, e-learning, and medical narration. 

No, no, no, no, NO! Definitely ask WHY!

Maybe your dream is none of these things, but whatever your dream or goal is, ask yourself WHY? 

Why do I want this thing? 

In fact, I would say that none of the above examples are really the ultimate goal or dream of that person. 

The underlying “why” of any of these three things could be:

• “I want to make a living from my acting” 

• “I want to be rich” (misguided, but some people think this way)

• “I want to be a super talented TV/Stage/Voice actor” or

• “I want to be a famous TV/Stage/Voice actor”

There are so many ways to have the bard in your life

A friend of mine wanted to go to grad school for theatre, and I asked why.

“So I can do Shakespeare.” 

I asked “Aren’t you doing Shakespeare right now?”

“Yes, but I want to get paid to do it.” 

“Okay, so if you were to go to grad school in another state, would you want to stay out there? Or use the connections you make at school to go do Shakespeare elsewhere?”

My friend replied, “No, I’d like to come back here.”  (Here meaning Minneapolis, where there are two companies who could pay a reasonable wage to do Shakespeare)

“So, you want to take four years, and spend a lot of money to go to school so you can come right back here for the same opportunities you already have access to, and maybe STILL not have any greater access to them than before?” 

There were other FASTER, MORE DIRECT, and CHEAPER paths to my friend’s goal. 

The direct path isn’t always better, but if you know where you want to go, why waste time?

Whatever your goal or dream is, make sure you’re REALLY clear on it. 

I read somewhere (don’t recall where) about a guy who figured out what he wanted his life to look like down to the smallest detail and THEN figured out what job would get him that. Where he wanted to live, what he wanted his days to look like, family, pets, material belongings, etc. 

The job he ultimately chose wasn’t glamorous, but it got him the life he wanted. 

I think more of us would do well to consider what we want our life to look like, and then do some informational interviewing of people already doing that thing. Ask them questions about their life…their schedule…what they love and hate about their job, and see if that’s what we really want. 

Here are the six questions you should ask yourself to figure out if you’re chasing the wrong dream:

1. What is my dream/goal?

2. WHY do I want that thing? (this is how you find out if there is a bigger underlying goal)

3. Is my dream/goal just one path to a bigger underlying dream?

4. Is that the ONLY path to that dream? Or are there other routes that I’m missing?

5. What does the life of a person who has that thing really look like? Is there someone I can ask or some way I can dip my toes in the water before committing to something time-consuming or expensive?

6. Do I want that life?

Now…where do you want to go?

A Kick in the Pants (for Those Not Wearing Pants)

Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but for me, the New Year is off and running! I had an extremely busy week this past week. A bunch of jobs, TONS of auditions, and lots of my self-imposed projects to get to. 

In fact, I still have more to do, so I’m going to keep this week’s blog short. Or try to. I’m not necessarily known for my brevity. 

I don’t like this picture, but I couldn’t find another “Kick in the pants” pic

If you’re anything like most of the people I know, you probably wrote off last year. You probably abandoned your pants, threw out your makeup, stopped shaving, and haven’t had a haircut in recent memory. 

Honestly, some of these things are kind of liberating. Razors are expensive, doing your hair and makeup is time consuming, and yoga pants are just so damn comfortable!! (As I write this, I am guilty of ALL of the above)

At the same time, after a while, the lack of effort can leave you feeling dumpy and uninspired. 

At some point, the world will return to at least some semblance of normality.

When it does, do you want to emerge from your house looking like Rip Van Winkle, with birds living in your beard, muscles atrophied, and not knowing (or caring) wtf everyone out in the world is even doing anymore? 

When depression sets in, it’s easy to sink into a pit of doing nothing. The dirty kitchen and the pile of laundry that could be clean or dirty (you’re really not sure anymore) just perpetuate the feeling. 

Often, just taking five minutes to scrub the tub (even though you don’t want to) can lead to cleaning the whole house because it makes you feel better. 

If you spent last year as an ostrich, hiding your head in a hole (LALALALALAEVERYTHINGISTOTALLYFINETHISISALLFINE) then your physical body is probably not the only thing looking like it just slept for 100 years. 

This whole past year, I’ve heard people lament on social media “We are going through trauma—don’t ask us to be productive.” 

I’m not. 

But I am asking you all to consider that in these instances, cause and effect are hard to pin down. When I’m depressed, I might not feel like cleaning my house, but cleaning the house always improves my outlook on the world

Everyone deals with trauma differently. My way is to (like my mother) try to control the chaos. “If I work harder, I can make everything okay!” 

I need to remind myself to relax and slow down sometimes. To tell myself it’s okay to do nothing, because I’m really bad at sitting still.

Similarly, other people need a good, swift (but kind) kick in the pants to get up.  

In either case, we both need a reminder that self care is not just eating ice cream and watching TV, and that busy doesn’t necessarily equal productive. 

Real self care often involves making yourself do the things that truly nourish your body and soul. It’s not about avoidance or escape, but allowing yourself to do things that bring you back to yourself.

Meditation. Going for a walk. Eating healthy food. Improving your home environment. Working on a meaningful goal. Allowing yourself space to BE. 

Even this garden gnome is wearing pants…

Start by giving yourself permission to do whatever is easiest. Whatever empowers you or inspires you. 

Often I think the people who post those comments on social media feel they’re being judged because they’re not doing enough.

I’m not judging them. I have compassion for anyone who feels overwhelmed, unfulfilled, undeserving and yet wanting more, because I have been there.

I do have a hunch that often, some people don’t allow themselves things that they really enjoy, that feed their souls, because they believe they don’t really deserve whatever it is they want.

For some, it’s hard to give themselves permission to enjoy life when others are suffering.

When you’re in that place, the key to getting out of it is giving yourself the time to take one small piece of action that empowers you to do more. 

Not doing more because you need to be productive. But doing more of what makes you feel empowered as a human being.

If you’re an artist like me, that might mean allowing yourself a little bit of space for creativity. 

The times during the pandemic that I’ve felt the best have been when I’ve let go of the need to be productive, without immediately filling that void with media to numb myself.

I love my TV and podcasts and audiobooks and games as much as anyone else, but after a while, I start to feel like I’ve been living on a diet of Surge and Papa Johns (which, coincidentally, was my diet in college). 

Everything in moderation

I feel grounded and whole when I just sit and play around on my ukulele. When I take a really long walk and let myself think. When I have silly, absurd, rambling conversations with my roommates. When I take the time to cut up vegetables and cook something good. 

Right now, I’m going to go do my yoga.

Not because I’m better than anyone who’s sitting on their couch. Not because I’m trying to get in shape. Not because I need to check it off my to-do list, but because it’s one place that I can allow myself to just be, and I feel better when I grant myself permission to do that.

If you can’t give yourself permission, I grant you mine.

Consider this your (kindly) kick in the pants.